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Before I had kids, my life-plan seemed very simple. I would spend my 20s getting as far in my career as possible and my 30s at home raising kids. Once they were all in school, I would return to full-time work, and resume the ladder-climbing.
The early career plan worked – I was Head of Department at 25, and by 26 was teaching at post-grad level – and the stay-at-home-mum thing has suited me well too.
But it wasn’t very long into parenting when I realised that full-time work would probably not be my bag for quite some time. What would be the good in making myself available to my kids during their preschool years, then subsequently preoccupying myself with a stressful job during their primary years? Who would be there when they finished school? The shoulder to cry on if their day hadn’t gone as planned?
Of course it is possible to do both – I know people who hold down full-time work and have great relationships with their kids. But I guess it is not without sacrifice, fatigue and stress – and it is rarely out of choice. And, importantly, much as others are great at making it work, I know that I couldn’t do it.
So, for a while now, part-time teaching has been what I’ve been aiming for. Although my youngest boys don’t start school till next year, I’ve spent the last year gaining work experience, making contacts, exploring my options. When you’ve had nearly a decade’s maternity leave, you can’t really take anything for granted.
And this is what I’ve found: I can’t pick up where I left off. Career-wise, your late 20s/early 30s seem to be the point where you specialise in something, become a bit of an expert, take on some management. I spent my late 20s/early 30s taking my kids along to toddler groups, weaning them, potty-training, playing with them, socialising them. So, unless I want a career in childcare – which, by the way, I don’t, despite having what feels like a childcare institution here at home – I don’t quite know where I fit in anymore. What once read as an excellent CV for a 28-year-old, now seems unremarkable for a 36-year-old.
I’m a strong believer that we don’t need to plan too far ahead in our lives as long as we know we’re where God wants us right now. In fact, in my experience, the road ahead often seems a bit foggy and unclear – and I think God uses this to build our trust in Him. I’ve felt His pleasure as I’ve devoted these last few years to being at home for our children, and actually I couldn’t care less about the financial sacrifices, reduced pension, or career suicide I may have committed. I would never, ever make a different decision. Professionally, I may not have any specialised knowledge of an area of teaching which would make me more employable – but I’ve widened my knowledge and skills through a large amount of volunteering over the last few years which I’d never have been able to do had I been working in a paid job.
Leaving this in God’s hands, I received an unexpected bit of paid writing work at the end of last year, for an organisation I have a lot of time for. I hadn’t given up hopes of ever returning to teaching, but there were precious few jobs going, so this offer made me wonder: If these guys are willing to pay me for writing, maybe other organisations would be willing to pay me, too?
With the twins doing a few more hours at preschool this term, now seems like a good time to push open a few doors and see where God wants to take my writing. I’ve registered myself as self-employed, gained a few useful contacts, seen some potential writing opportunities and even started to collect some deadlines (YES! Like a real writer!).
I’m not really sure what else to say, except I really owe this to you, my lovely and far-too-kind readers. I’ve never considered myself a writer. I enjoy it, but then I enjoy a lot of things. I don’t identify, for example, as a ‘TV-watcher’, or a ‘strategy-game-player’, or a ‘chocolate-lover’. (Actually, I do identify as the latter. Frequently. But not the others.) So now I’m having to force myself to believe that I can do this. I’m having to push myself forward (which is never fun – who enjoys self-promotion?). But you, with your wonderful encouragement and kind comments, have given me the boost I’ve needed to make this first step.
It may all fall flat on its face. And that is FINE. It actually is. I haven’t had to make a financial investment to start this ‘business’ – it’s just me and a computer. So if it goes pear-shaped, that’s fine, I’ll just pick myself up and try something new. But it feels daft not to try. Like I said, the road ahead is often foggy and unclear – but God knows the future, and as long as we’re following His footsteps in the present, I believe He will uncover the future when we need to know it.
And probably not a moment before.